Sheriff Bryan Barnett didn’t so much start the meeting as he did kick the door open and dare the crowd to keep up.

He revved things up with a deep philosophical question: Peeps. Yes, those suspiciously indestructible little marshmallow creatures. Turns out there are 23 flavors! Sheriff Barnett made it clear there should probably be one. Maybe two if we’re feeling generous. But jalapeño Peeps? He suggested, with just the right amount of menace, that everyone should try them before next season… presumably so no one makes that mistake twice.

Then came April—because apparently it’s not just about showers and questionable weather decisions. It’s also National Pickleball Month. The pickleball players, as expected, made themselves known immediately (they always do), earning themselves a $5 fine just for being that enthusiastic about a sport that sounds like a side dish.

Sheriff/Mayor Barnett admitted he had carefully prepared notes about people who, inconveniently, didn’t show up. So naturally, everyone else would now be playing their roles—and paying their fines. Fair is fair… or at least, entertaining.

Weather came next. Or more accurately, Michigan’s ongoing identity crisis. Sunshine, rain, snow, hail, repeat. Sheriff Barnett summed it up nicely: if you liked any part of yesterday’s weather, that’s $5. Indecision has consequences.

Easter, he noted, is supposedly a modest holiday—only about $25 billion spent. Two-thirds of that, he implied, was personally handled by Steve Cooper, who was immediately called out for sporting what Barnett estimated to be a $3,500 pocket square. Steve took it like a champ… and probably reached for his wallet.

The stats only got better: $3.5 billion on candy, 90 million chocolate bunnies, 16 billion jellybeans. Enough to circle the Earth three times—which frankly feels like overkill unless the jellybeans are pulling their weight. And somewhere out there, someone dropped $49,000 on a chocolate bunny.  Sheriff Barnett suggested that the sale might have been upstairs at Paul Haig's store, which felt less like a joke and more like a gentle accusation.

Then came the missing 12 tons of Kit Kats—somewhere between Italy and Poland. A real mystery. The Mayor encouraged everyone to scan their candy, but also subtly implied that if you’ve ever hidden snacks from a spouse, that’s another $5. Accountability matters.

He gave a nod to space exploration, highlighting the incredible journey of Artemis II reaching 252,000 miles from Earth. Truly inspiring. Then, without missing a beat, he pivoted to Tiger Woods and a much less inspiring navigation issue in Florida. Same theme, wildly different execution. If you’ve been to Florida—or made similarly questionable decisions—well… You already know. Five bucks.

Sports talk rolled in next, where the Sheriff bravely admitted to wearing University of Michigan gear after losing a bet, despite being a lifelong MSU Spartan fan. A painful moment of growth. Meanwhile, the Detroit Tigers gave fans hope on opening day before immediately returning to form, Justin Verlander got injured right on schedule, and the Detroit Pistons actually managed to win three straight—briefly shocking the system. As for the Detroit Red Wings… Sheriff Barnett decided it was best to just move on. Some things are too fragile to discuss.

He wrapped things up with a whirlwind of history, birthdays, and one truly unforgettable marital milestone from Brigham Young—who, on this day, married his 53rd wife. Rotarian Jeff Duper, who was the smartest guy in the room today, got the right answer! Again, the Four Way Test came into play: Is It the Truth? Barnett didn’t fine him (logistics, probably), but did divide the number across a table just to keep the financial theme alive.

By the end, it was clear: Sheriff Barnett hadn’t just warmed up the crowd—he’d shaken them down, called them out, and somehow made them laugh about it. And as he looked out over the room, watching wallets reluctantly open, you could almost hear him thinking, Law and order is one thing. But a well-timed $5 fine? That’s where the real justice happens.

In addition to collecting $140 in fines today, the Sheriff made the meeting fun.